14. The Conflicted Self

I still remember being a first year, sitting in awe as the lecturer dramatized what he called 7 wonders in psychology, one of which was illusionary self-awareness, like confidently asserting we know how we think and feel, and attributing them to specific sources, even when we have no clue.

Many lines of research were introduced to support this bold claim, one was on Cognitive Dissonance, which pertains to the mental maneuverers used to mask contradictions in our beliefs and/or behaviors (eg, unconscious alterations in our beliefs so they appear to align with what we had just done; flimsy rationalizations of the dissonance).

Masked Contradictions

Making it seem as if no contradictions existed in the first place is indeed more convenient than acknowledging them. At a minimum, one can escape the realization that there was a lapse of integrity, or have yet to form personal beliefs and values (eg, just followed trends, lack conviction). For others, these maneuvers allow one continually ignore how their convictions may be mutually incompatible, are lofty ideals, or otherwise need to be compromised or abandoned (as one just did). For others still, they serve to somewhat cover-up exposed hypocrisies, and the motives behind them.

Speaking of hypocrisy, displays of righteousness or kindness that seem excessive and disingenuous will spring to mind. But the signaling of virtues is said to be common even before this pejorative term and social media existed, and impression management is not the only reason why some of us may feel compelled to tell the world (and ourselves) that we embrace certain ideals and ways of life that go beyond (and at times, against) what we believe in, care about, or scoff at.

Example 1: The Selfness Persona

Consider, for example, someone who grew up noticing her parents only cared for her minimally and reluctantly, loved her much less than they love themselves, and enjoyed jokes about selling or simply ditching her to make their life easy. Instinctively, she learned to suppress her resentments, smile like an angel, minimize her needs, be gratuitous for any crumbs she gets, and be more of a help than a burden. Years of prioritizing others out of necessity shaped her personality. She is pleasant, seeks out people to aid, and strikes others as selfless. But what has been suppressed has not been erased.

A part of her not only resents her parents, but also those she helps for being so needy, for not reciprocating, and for unfairly getting to receive what she has been deprived of. These sentiments conflict with the values and narrative she embraced to make those early years less painful and current life more meaningful, so she flatly denies them, but they are evident in her not-so-subtle jokes, remarks, and actions.

Example 2: The Mask of Callous Pragmatism

Consider another person who, instead of excusing and appeasing the parents, vocally faulted them. In response, they would put him in his place, like threaten him with the hot iron. He came to realize this has always been a world where the strong gets to choose what they do with the weak, despised himself for needing to rely on others’ generosity, craved strength, and often fantasized about a life where he is self-sufficient. Having suffered, he can actually understand and feel the pains of others more than he allows himself to. Sympathy is suppressed easily, as he learns to gain from and take pride in being the kind of person who can do whatever it takes (ie, callously pragmatic). If he sees acts of kindness, he would secretly mock them aslame or fake. Despite all this, whatever softheartedness he had (and loathed) has not been eradicated. At times, esp later in life, he may act out of compassion. It may be minor, but he still feels embarrassed, so he tries to explain how he may get something out of it, or does something needlessly offensive to offset it.

Self-Understanding and Self-Acceptance

People are complex. There are countless ways in which the cards life has dealt us can interact with our temperament to shape parts of who we are. Parts that seem too incompatible or unacceptable may just be renounced (instead of properly reconciled), but some denied parts can remain and assert an unmoderated strong influence – making us deprive ourselves in some ways and go too far in other directions.

“Getting to know our true self” (beyond the personas we crafted or the filtered image we opt to see in the mirror) can no doubt sound wanky when stated for the wrong reasons, but it is also no doubt necessary for us to live more honestly, and to steer our development more purposefully